Two years ago today I got a call from my mom saying my dad had passed away earlier that day. Jon was working that night and our St. Pete Shakes crew had just left our place after our meeting. I had been waiting to hear the words…he was very sick and was in hospice…I knew it was coming. To actually hear them is an indescribable feeling. I had been sad for a very long time, so one feeling I can describe is relief. Relief that he was finally let go of his disease. My aunt was with my mom and she told me that they had wine and chocolate pie and they were going to be ok.
When Jon got home all I could do was hug him. I couldn’t even say the words out loud. Finally he asked, “Did he pass?” and I managed a nod.
As I began to write this post I was curious as to what I had to say last year. So I went back to October 2011, but realized I didn’t write anything…I’m not sure why. My best guess is that I really just didn’t feel like sharing my thoughts with the world that day. Especially since it was the first anniversary.
I remember Jon asking me if I wanted to stay in or go out. I figured going out may be better and more distracting. We went to BellaBrava and had a great meal and some wine. I remember us making a toast and Jon saying how, even though he had only met my dad a few times, he knew he was a great man and did a wonderful job raising me. I remember trying to hold back tears in our corner of the restaurant. We ended the night with a drink at Ale and the Witch and headed home.
And now another year later it still feels like it all happened yesterday. I’ve come to terms with some feelings, but a lot are still just under the surface.
I still tear up when I see photos/videos of fathers and daughters on the daughter’s wedding day.
My heart clenches at the sight, thought or mention of any father daughter moments.
I still feel guilty that I didn’t go home more often.
I still get angry that he was taken.
I still think about all there is to come in life and how he won’t be here to share it.
I am a generally positive person. But it’s very hard to be positive about something you cannot change. Yes, I am happy for the years I did have with him and for the years he had with my mom. I believe he had a fulfilling life. But I am selfish and I want him here with me and my mom, healthy and happy.
I would do anything to have him back.
To anyone that reads this…call your parents today. Or if they are close, visit them. Tell them you love them. Recount happy memories. Ask them about their lives before you…learn something new about them. Hug them and hold them close. Every moment counts.